One Year Later

A year ago today my cat died. I suppose that sounds insignificant to most people, or at least most people who don't know me. But for me, I've had a rough year dealing with this kind of grief.

This is the first death I've had to deal with where I've gone from seeing them everyday to never seeing them again. I saw her and slept with her everyday for 16 years. Thats a lot to remove at once. And yes, I did go away to college. And yes, I did move out of my parent's house, but for 16 years, she was a part of my home.

Grief strikes people different ways I suppose. The stages of grief aren't felt in the same way or even in the same order for everyone. I don't know a single person who has ever really come to accept the death of a loved one, only push it aside for the time being. I was never angry about Smrgl being taken from me, only sad. Deeply, truly, horribly sad, but it was sadness. An ache in my heart. With whom should I have been angry? The lady from "Tuck Everlasting" for not actually inventing the immortality serum? I know that those who love me would do just about anything to let me have her back, but that can never be. It is physically painful for me to write that, but I know that it's true.

Theres a small clump of her hair on my bedroom rug in my apartment. How it got there heaven knows, but somehow it shaped itself into a heart. My mother and father bought me a locket to put that heart into, but I just can't bring myself to move it. I'll step around it and every so often close my eyes and touch it. It doesn't really feel like her anymore, just as wigs never really feel like human hair, even if they are made from human hair. The life force behind it is no longer there, so there's something amiss. I like to think that it's like her though, because that is the last physical thing I have left.

Time does heal all wounds. I know that. I know that I am less sad about her passing than I was a year ago today. But I will never be able to mend the final ache. Once a heart is touched it can't be untouched. It's so cheesy but maybe she did leave a paw-print on my soul.

I saw a movie a few weeks ago called "Eat, Pray, Love" and while for the most part that movie was a colossal waste of time there was a part that stayed with me. The main character is wondering how she can ever get over a boyfriend of hers and a fellow inmate of the temple tells her to "send him love" whenever she thinks of him. I have tried that as the year anniversary approached and now that it's here I hope it's worked. Its hard to find evidence of such things NOT working, so here I am. I send her love and try to let go of the sadness whenever I think of her. Let it come, pass it on, keep on going.