Mercy Mission

This blog is a mission of mercy. Though it may seem like I am complaining about my life, what is really going on is an outline of why my other friend’s life is great. So here goes.

1. At a family dinner last night I realized that my 11 year old cousin and myself were the only single people in the family. How depressing is that? Everyone else in my family is in a relationship. Granted some of the relationships are new (we’ve been going out for 5 weeks already!), but they still exist. I am officially the spinster cousin!
2. I honestly miss my brother. This is the first time in my life (since I was 4) that I have been at home without him. It was I who went away first, so now that he is gone to school it is just strange. Most days I try not to think about it, but my little brother living in my house was always a constant, and now he doesn’t. Visiting him at school this weekend reminded me that he doesn’t live in our house anymore. And while I didn’t live in our house for 4 years, it is weird that he doesn’t live there anymore. He’s always lived there, and suddenly, he doesn’t.
3. A very good friend of mine is leaving for Africa for 2 years on Wednesday and I probably won’t get to see her before she goes. I miss her and I miss our talks. When we lived together we used to talk for hours about politics and religion. She really is one of the few people in the world that I can disagree with and still respect. She always makes excellent points that truly make me look at my point of views and re-evaluate them. I told her how much I missed those talks and she said that I made her look at her views too, and that I always made really good points. It makes one feel good to hear from someone that you respect and whose opinions you value that you make good points.
4. Sometimes I feel like I’m too timid. Too scared of life. I know that people see me and my personality and think I’m fearless, but in actuality there are lots of things that I shy away from to protect myself. I’m not talking about bungee jumping or anything because that really is to protect myself…from death. I’m talking about not really letting my guard down for people other than for a select few. I never let people see me cry unless they are VERY close to me. If you’re ever wondering how close we are, ask yourself if you’ve ever seen me cry. Only my family has seen me cry. And I include friends in that statement. My friends who have seen me cry are my family. But the point is, maybe I should open up more, let other people in. I guess it stems from deep insecurities. I don’t really believe that people like me, so I don’t give them ammunition (tears) to use against me.
5. I still live with my parents. I’m 22 and I don’t have the strength to live alone and no one I like is looking for a roommate, or has the monetary means to get an apartment.

So there you go friend. You are not the only one who has issues in their life. And you are not the only one who knows that they have brought some of it upon themselves. Sometimes the world just isn’t nice or fair and it seems like everything you do is sucky and sad and no one loves you. But sometimes knowing that you’re not alone makes the burden easier to bear.

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours." -Hector, History Boys