A Visit from the Fuck Up Fairy

Story Time:

Once upon an age ago, when my paternal grandfather was still living and when the family went to my grandparent's house for every holiday, something happened.

Well, obviously something happened, or I wouldn't have remembered it, and this would be a really short story.

In my grandparent's house there were certain jobs done by certain people. I'm sure its the same in every home, though, of course, assigned tasks in one home could be the miscellaneous ones in another. In my grandparent's home the assigned tasks at mealtimes were as follows. Grandma made dinner, Grandpa ate dinner. Grandma made and dressed the salad, Grandpa 'tossed' the salad (I'm pretty sure it was tossed in the kitchen before it made its way to the dining room). Grandpa made the coffee.

OK, this fateful day, grandpa went into the kitchen as usual to make the coffee and came back out to the dining room as usual. Grandma, after letting enough time go by for coffee to have been made, went into the kitchen to serve the coffee. But instead of finding a full pot of coffee in the middle of her gleaming counter in the middle of her gleaming kitchen, she found coffee all over the floors and counters. Grandpa had forgotten to put the pot under the coffee maker. And of such things are familial legends made.

Fast forward about 20 years.

I came into work this morning after sucessfully navigating the bus, put down my purse and headed to the kitchen to get my coffee to start the day. I'm sure all of you can see what is coming. I entered the kitchen to find a waterfall of coffee streaming into a lake of coffee. Someone had begun a pot when there was already a full pot under the spout. The coffee was fountaining out of the pot in every way imaginable, the coffee was flowing freely down the cupboards, the dishwasher, everything.

As I am one of the first people in the office every morning, there were only 3 possible culprits. I contemplated all three of them as I mopped coffee from every imaginable surface and went through 5 rolls of paper towels.

Colleen: Not possible. She is the token mousey lady of the office. Sad little features, oversized and horribly out of date glasses. Likely leads a sad little life. Besides which, she doesnt drink coffee, only milk from her own gallon jug that she brings in every monday.

BJ: Big boss lady. hardly likely to cause such a calamity. VERY experienced coffee drinker, plus purchaser of coffee and paper towels. Plus, she came into the kitchen about halfway through the clean-up, exclaimed, and assisted.

Allen: Likeliest candidate. super deep voice that actually vibrates my bones. Unpleasant. Plus has a penchent for not really paying attention. He never tells me when he is expecting a package (a safety protocol), or when he is expecting a courier to drop by (another safety protocol). Occasionally drops big boxes of things at the front desk, leaving me to deal with them, and on more than one occasion has deposited said box into my hands as the phone was ringing. Not exactly Mr. Observant.

So Allen probably did it. As I scurried from the kitchen to the supply closet for paper towels I passed his desk. Everytime. Not once did he look up. Not once did he seem to be at all preturbed by the fact that every woman in the office was hustling to and fro from the kitchen in various states of disgust and coffee stainedness. I must confess to very uncharitable thoughts towards him.

OK, so maybe it was a mistake (and honestly, who could have done it on purpose), but as Maria (another helpful soul who immediately set down her empty mug to join in the coffee cleaning) said, 'who doesn't check the pot before they push the button? Couldn't they see that it was full?!'

Though I didn't really mind the work, especially once I had help, I do mind the obliviousness that such an incident implies. He was oblivious to the mistake, oblivious to the clean up, oblivious to every woman giving him death eyes all day. I hope that BJ made good on her threat to 'have a quiet word' with him, and that he is so mortified that he improves his behavior. But probably not.