England Day 9

I want to go home. thats all i can think. my parents called my therapist today and she said that i should try to see a councellor here before i make any decisions. That idea is making me uncomfortable as well because i dont want to be a bother, in giving joe more to organize, but if Dr. Polce thinks its best then i guess i have to trust her.

i think im coming down with a cold. my throat is on fire and my nose is running pretty badly. I want to sit and cry and then get on a plane. But mostly i want this feeling of dread and terror to GO AWAY! the only way i can think to make that happen is to leave.

People keep telling me that i'm thinking with my emotions, that im not thinking clearly. thats a no-brainer. if i could think rationally then i wouldnt let myself be ruled by this fear and pain.

Everytime i try to talk about it or explain it a huge knot rises in my throat and my eyes well up. people keep telling me to talk to my teacher but i have. I've told him every step how bad ive been feeling. I'm really considering using my free day tomorrow to take the tube to Heathrow and see about exchanging my ticket. everyone will tell me to talk to a therapist here first, but if i cant by tomorrow, I'm heading out. i dont care anymore what people will think of me. Just sitting here writing about it is making me brim with tears. its time to end this nonsense. its time to make this stop.