England Day 5

Sitting in the Brittish Museum and waiting for the bookstore to open i people watch. Toddlers just learning how to walk somehow manage perfect yoga poses. One just excecuted a flawless "Downward-facing dog" as he was getting up from a stumble. i saw an exhibit called "Living and Dying" that was all the medications prescribed to two people in their whole lives. A man and a woman. Each was immunized as a child, but their medications varied as they aged; the man had asthma, the woman took contreceptives, the man died young, the woman still lives.

My knees have been bothering me again. its probably because of the 5 flights of stairs that i have to climb to get to my hotel room. Maybe its the constant walking. My knees have never liked me, but theyre really starting to hate me now.

my treacherous brain has started to scope out the days that it would be easiest for everyone for me to go home. its looking like Thursday, though the other class is leaving Thursday and i dont want to be on that flight because my friend Mileva would scold me and make me feel guilty for being such a chicken-shit and running away. Mileva is like that.

the thing is, ive done all i care to do here. the things that i missed last time ive already caught up on. Trader Vic's, the Tower, i can even forgo "the Mousetrap" because, though i would like to say that ive seen it, i dont need to see it. I've seen "Wicked" and "the Blue Man Group" would remind me of my brother and make me homesick.

i dont like the fact that we dont have a show tonight. theres nothing for me to do when we dont have a show. i cant drink with my anxiety medicine, and i doubt i would want to anyway. i hate smoke and loud music, and staying up late. so i'll probably spend the evening reading in my hotel room. Not totally pathetic, but on the verge.

My mother always told me that if it can be fixed with money, its not a real problem. i keep thinking about that phrase concerning my current state. the people that i talk to about going home early tell me that i'll be wasting money. Enveryone, that is, except those at home. my mother didnt mention the money, neither did my best friend. i think this tells me more about their love than i realize. to them my well-being is worth "wasting" the money ive spent on the trip. the non-refundable tickets and hotel deposit are not what they remind me about. they tell me that they love me and that they want me to have a good time. "If youre not enjoying yourself, then what's the point?" this has been precisely my question. i took the class solely for fun. i dont need the credits at all. so if the investment is not acting as it should, doesnt the smart investor cut it loose?

i also keep thinking about a horoscope that Bitsy read to me. It said that i should spread my wings. At first i thought that meant i should stay here, because wing spreading implies adventure. But the more i think about it, birds spread their wings to take flight, to leave. I dont usually give horoscopes much weight, being from the school of thought that considers them nonsense, but since this one reaffirms my feelings i pay it more heed.

who knows what the out come will be. maybe ill go home early, maybe i wont.

there is a man in a bow tie and monocle sitting near me now. could he be any more brittish???


LATER:
I spent the rest of the day with Mileva and felt great. she reminds me of friends and home and makes me laugh and frolick. we're clinging to each other more here than at home because neither of us have any other close friends on our trips. I'm sad that shes leaving for wroxton tonight. I'll miss hanging out with her because she is such a calming influence on me. While we were together today i almost completely forgot my anxiety and just had fun. I wish i was able to do that without her, but fear i cant.