"A Good Pair of Shoes Can Change Your Life" -Cinderella

Across the cosmos the question has plagued men since the beginning of time. “What IS it with women and shoes?!”

Well, I am here to answer that question to the best of my ability. As a woman with more shoes than I care to number, I feel that I am well suited to bridging the gap, going across the aisle, shuffing off bipartisanism and getting down to the heart of the matter. (I watched the VP debates last night can you tell? Aside: good thing I decided against the “Maverick” drinking game because last count was in the 70s. And that’s alcohol poisoning waiting to happen. End of aside.)

In the western world, women are bombarded at an early age with the idea that shoes are important. Of course, shoes serve the purpose of protecting your feet, but for girls and women they run deeper.

Think about fairy tales. Cinderella’s whole life was changed with one pair of shoes. In fact, the tale of Cinderella can be broken down into footwear. At the beginning, she is a hard working, nose to the grindstone but still quirky gal. So she’s in ballet flats, natch. She slips on a pair of hard wearing clogs to go out into the garden, a sign that she needs to protect her softer shoes from the harsher outside world. Once the fairy godmother shows up, the glass slippers come into play. The slippers are a symbol of luxury, but they are also simply fabulous. They are probably the best pair of shoes to date. She can dance in them for a good chunk of the evening without pain, and then she can RUN in them! These shoes are really magical. They are also the only physical evidence of Cinderella’s night out, and therefore treasured, both by her and the prince. The shoes prove to the prince that she existed, and prove to Cinderella that there is life beyond her entrapment. When she returns to her home and her ballet flats it is clear that her mind is not on her work. She even keeps her remaining shoe in her pocket, to be produced at just the right moment and rescue her from her life of servitude into one of (we hope) love and fulfillment.

Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz is similarly affected by her shoes. Apart from the very large role her footwear plays in the story, these shoes are special because of their color. As one of the first films in color, the vibrant red of the ruby slippers is a clue to the fact that these are Important Shoes! The rest of Dorothy is almost mundane compared to her feet. We know that these shoes are important to the Wicked Witch, and in some ways, to Glinda. She forces Dorothy into them, and declares that they can’t be removed. Dorothy doesn’t look best pleased with this, but stands her ground against the Wicked Witch. The shoes are the catalyst for the entire journey to the wizard. The stated reason is to get home, but the secondary reason for Dorothy is to get out of the shoes she never asked for. And then at the end, it turns out the whole answer resided in the shoes.

And so women are told, over and over again, that shoes are important. They are art that you can wear. A good pair of Monolos can make your day. When Becki Adlington won two gold medals in Beijing this summer, she returned home to the UK and into the arms of a pair of custom gold Louboutins.

“But Ariel!” I hear you cry, “you’re only talking about heels, aren’t there many, many more shoes that are important?” Well, dear reader, you are correct.

Flip-flops are universally acknowledged to be the most comfortable shoes on the planet. Like the whisper of a rattlesnake, they announce your presence to the world. They are equally comfortable on a beach or in a fine art museum.

Clogs: I am currently wearing a pair of clogs. Softer than Cinderella’s wooden creations, but essentially the same. Clogs are the winter flip flops, a pair of shoes that can be thrown onto the foot with a pair of jeans or a dress, and are comfortable enough to be the go to shoe.

Boots: I will focus not on heeled boots, but to the unsung boots. Rain boots are no longer the providence of children, grown ass people now have fabulous rain boots. Myself included. Snow boots have gotten a bad rap because of the UGG phenomenon. But I defy anyone who believes the Uggs are UGGly, to try on a pair. And then try to defend your Ugg racism. They are amazing.

Sneakers: The right pair of sneakers can do wonders for your posture. If you are wearing cheaply made or ill fitting sneakers, you can do real damage to your spinal alignment. Seriously.

If anyone else can think of a shoe family that I have neglected, let me know and I will defend to the death your right to wear them. Unless you ask me to defend Crocs. This I cannot do.

So to all the men (and some women) who are puzzled by the shoe addiction affecting millions of women world-wide, to all those who declare proudly that they only have 3 pairs of shoes*, I hope that you have come to a greater understanding of the importance of footwear.

*and by the way, if a woman only had 3 pairs of shoes she would die. There are too many different outfits and events in a woman’s life to get away with only 3 pairs. Lets see, men would say, a pair of sneakers, a black fancy pair and a brown fancy pair. Am I right? Well, women as a rule don’t wear as much khaki, so the brown pair are a bit unnecessary. Otherwise, one pair of black shoes? Are they heels? Are they flats? If they are heels, what does she wear to run to the grocery store after work? If they are flats what does she wear to parties or to bars? Does this also imply that all of her clothes are black? Are we talking a goth chick? Because black shoes would not match say, a blue dress, unless there were other black elements. Or a red dress. You must be very careful to avoid the clown look. Men can wear one black suit everywhere. Women can’t.

So hopefully we have all come to a better understanding of each other. Let us put aside partisan shoe bickering and embrace the new world. Where even hard core rock and roll gods have shoe lines. And then we’ll sing Kumbaya and eat cookies. K?