Shock me Shock me Shock me

Christmas. A time of caring. A time of sharing. A time for making your grandmother cry with laughter.

Let me lay it out for you. So a few weeks before Christmas I was on the phone with my grandmother, talking about what she wanted for Christmas. The following is an exact* transcript of the conversation.

*exact here having the meaning of whatever i remembered and some stuff that i made up...

Ariel: So Grandma, what do you want for Christmas?
Gma: Oh I don’t need anything.
Ariel: Well, you’re getting something so what do you want?
Gma: oh….(hemm…haw…)
Ariel: you better say something or I’ll get you something weird.
Gma: ha ha. Well, you know, people always get me nice things… I want you to shock me.
Ariel:… seriously?
Gma: well no…
Ariel: no, you said it you can’t take it back now! Shock you huh?
Gma: Well I don’t want to fall over dead!
Ariel: I’ll try not to kill you. I wont make your heart stop… just a few little palpitations to check that all systems are go
Gma: oh my goodness…

And so on. Apparently she had meant to say that she wanted me to surprise her, but the fates aligned to have her misspeak. It was like a hug from Jesus. And of course I took that misspeak as carte blanche to be totally inappropriate. The best kind of Christmas present for me to get. Like Tiny Tim with a brand new crutch.

So my initial idea was to buy a zebra print lingerie set, but of course, I waited too long before deciding this and you cant just walk into a Victoria’s Secret and demand reasonably priced zebra print lingerie for an 82 year old. Believe me, I’ve tried.

To make a long story short (too late) I found hot pink glittery bra and matching see through thong. For $8. Because really, you don’t want to spend too much money on such a ridiculous endeavor.

The best I guess was that I had explained to the whole family what the backstory was, and they all cringed and asked “oh god, what did you do?” tee hee. And then when she opened it she was sitting right next to my 16 year old cousin Joey. He was so traumatized and she was so tickled. The juxtaposition of the two was really what Christmas means to me.