Stress

Since Saturday night I have been dwelling off and on about my grandmother. On Saturday night I got the news that she had been in the ICU for 4 days with pneumonia. Today she was moved into "intermediate care" which is the halfway point between ICU and regular care.

The reason that I got the news so late was that she had made my father and his siblings promise not to tell anyone. This is very much in keeping with her personality though not exactly comforting. I hate to think that I was having fun while someone I love was in pain.

I keep churning over and over in my mind all the worst kinds of thoughts and all of the memories that I will use to recount her life. I can't help worrying that I won't need to find a hillarious christmas present or be able to take her to the opera this summer.

Though I know that she is 85, I've never thought of her leaving. She's supposed to live to see the cousins get married. She's supposed to live to see at least her first great-grandchild, as her own mother did. She's not supposed to leave yet.

I don't think I'll ever be ready for a death, but I'm really not ready now! People keep telling me to keep my mind off of it, or to stop dwelling on it. It's probably good advice, but I'm worried and scared and unsure even of what I want to happen. Ideally she will have a complete recovery and live another 10 years. Unlikely since along with the pneumonia there has been another cancerous event. Chemo on an 85 year-old doesn't sound like something that is either plausible or surviveable. On the one hand, I don't want her to be in pain or stuck in the hospital. On the other hand, I'm selfish and I want her to be around as long as possible.

Though we've always had differences, probably stemming from generational gaps, she and I have had a bond. I think its probably because I don't treat her like a frail old lady, I treat her a little harder, and she's always been able to rise to it. I "poke the bear" and try to get a little rise out of her, usually with hillarious results.

As my last surviving grandparent, I need her to be around for a while longer. Once my grandparents are all gone that can only mean that my parent's generation, and perhaps my parents themselves, are next. And none of this is supposed to happen! Not yet! I was supposed to be a grown-up and have all the answers and be able to cope before any of this stuff happened.

I'm not ready.