The Result

though i did not write any more diary entries, plenty more happened to me in england. i stayed in bed for 2 days, getting progressively sicker. on day 3 my professer and i decided it was time for me to see a doctor, so we went to the hospital. post hospital visit, it took me one more day to get well enough to head to heathrow, change my ticket for later in the day and leave. this left me with only a 1/2 hour to pack after my 4 days of illness and the mess that was my room. it was a whirlwind but i made it. on the plane i hit a sickness plateau and was pretty much able to ignore my body for most of the flight, concentrating instead on the bad movies and weird food. once i got home i remained sick for the two weeks of break.

Last Day in England

I made the decision to go home last night. i decided to go over to Heathrow and talk to a human and change my ticket. my mother transferred money for me in case i have to buy a whole new ticket. Hopefully they'll just let me change it, but we'll have to see. Last night i got really sick and today im staying in bed, forcing liquids and peeing every 5 minutes. i try to tell myself that everytime i pee i get a fraction better, which i suppose is true, i just need to flush my system as much as possible. i dont like flying as it is, but flying with a horrible cold would be too much. i barely slept last night because i was so sick and feverish. when i did sleep i had nightmares. one was about forgetting the Fanta for my brother. Another was completely in Shakespearean verse. Hardly restful. i am feeling better, only my head hurts now. barely a dull throb. i am still coughing but the dry heaves seem to have all but stopped. my nose is still running pretty badly, but thats the screensaver mode for my nose. joe called this morning at 9 which we had talked about. He was going to give me my old flight information so i could change it. he told me that he decided he wanted to come with me, which is fine. the real blessing is that i had enough presence of mind to ask him to go out and buy me some medicine and tissues. he was very obliging and got me everything but cough medicine. i also had a fever earlier this morning but it seems to have broken. For a while i tried to nap, but it didnt really work. then i read for a while and listened to music and my dad reading "Wee Free Men" on my ipod. i finally sat up and turned on the light which seems to make me feel a bit better, though a trifle dizzy. maybe i should eat something. maybe ill do that next. turn on the tv and have a snack, sounds good.

England Day 9

I want to go home. thats all i can think. my parents called my therapist today and she said that i should try to see a councellor here before i make any decisions. That idea is making me uncomfortable as well because i dont want to be a bother, in giving joe more to organize, but if Dr. Polce thinks its best then i guess i have to trust her.

i think im coming down with a cold. my throat is on fire and my nose is running pretty badly. I want to sit and cry and then get on a plane. But mostly i want this feeling of dread and terror to GO AWAY! the only way i can think to make that happen is to leave.

People keep telling me that i'm thinking with my emotions, that im not thinking clearly. thats a no-brainer. if i could think rationally then i wouldnt let myself be ruled by this fear and pain.

Everytime i try to talk about it or explain it a huge knot rises in my throat and my eyes well up. people keep telling me to talk to my teacher but i have. I've told him every step how bad ive been feeling. I'm really considering using my free day tomorrow to take the tube to Heathrow and see about exchanging my ticket. everyone will tell me to talk to a therapist here first, but if i cant by tomorrow, I'm heading out. i dont care anymore what people will think of me. Just sitting here writing about it is making me brim with tears. its time to end this nonsense. its time to make this stop.

England Day 8

Globe Tour today. I've seen it before so some of the bloom is slightly off the Rose (as it were) but it's still really cool. The tour guide even mentioned my namesake, Ariel from the Tempest, which was cool.

Last night my parents told me that i should talk to my therapist before deciding definitely to go home. It's a good idea to be sure. My dad said that he would call the therapist and give her my European Cell number and have her call me. Unfortunately i was stupid and didn't charge my cell last night, it's still on, but i should charge it when i get back to the hotel. i was thinking of walking the 100 yards or so to the Tate modern to finish off my 3 museums. it is bloody freezing outside, though the other girls were making a bit more of a fuss than it calls for i think.

England Day 7

Another lazy day. I had plans with Kendall and Alex to go out to the National Gallery today. we planned to meet at 11 but by 11:30 they were still not there. I knocked on their door and they were both still asleep. Going back out into the lobby i ran into joe and he and i went to check the prices in case i felt i needed to change my ticket. the thing is that ive made it a whole week now and maybe i can make it another. i was feeling a bit trapped, but now that i know that at least i have an exit strategy, i feel like i wont need it. with really only a week left (7 days, which breaks down to 3 and 4 very doable). im feeling stronger of spirit and heart.

England Day 6

Today so far has been quite leisurely. i woke up late and my first act of the day was to go to lunch. We went to a cute little pub that was nice even if it did smell like smoke. then i headed over to T-Mobile to try to figure out why i was charged 4p a minute one day and 1 pound a minute the next. that question was answered, albeit a bit strangely. Apparenty i only got 4p a minute for 50 minutes. Confusing. We're going to see 12th night at the Old Vic tonight. I'm quite looking foreward to that. I no longer want to cut out early. I want to finish the trip, only i want the trip to be over now, like fast-forwarded. All the activities included and enjoyed, but on my way home. i barely cried at all last night. It occurs to me that this sounds like a prison camp diary, "I cry at night". Well i do, and theres not much i can do to stop it.

Watching game shows i realized that some of the commercials are the exact same as at home but with British voice-overs. interesting...

Later:
I'm glad that we're seeing Shakespeare tonight. Shakespeare is always calming for me. maybe its because my name comes from a shakespeare play. He always seemed to me as almost a third parent. Going home is sounding less appealing but being home is sounding more appealing. Today i mailed postcards to my grandmother, my brother's girlfriend, my office, and a good friend of mine. i hope they get there before i do.

Today at T-Mobile i saw the drug dealer again. He was with a different woman who was fighting with the T-Mobile people. He must be really popular around here.

England Day 5

Sitting in the Brittish Museum and waiting for the bookstore to open i people watch. Toddlers just learning how to walk somehow manage perfect yoga poses. One just excecuted a flawless "Downward-facing dog" as he was getting up from a stumble. i saw an exhibit called "Living and Dying" that was all the medications prescribed to two people in their whole lives. A man and a woman. Each was immunized as a child, but their medications varied as they aged; the man had asthma, the woman took contreceptives, the man died young, the woman still lives.

My knees have been bothering me again. its probably because of the 5 flights of stairs that i have to climb to get to my hotel room. Maybe its the constant walking. My knees have never liked me, but theyre really starting to hate me now.

my treacherous brain has started to scope out the days that it would be easiest for everyone for me to go home. its looking like Thursday, though the other class is leaving Thursday and i dont want to be on that flight because my friend Mileva would scold me and make me feel guilty for being such a chicken-shit and running away. Mileva is like that.

the thing is, ive done all i care to do here. the things that i missed last time ive already caught up on. Trader Vic's, the Tower, i can even forgo "the Mousetrap" because, though i would like to say that ive seen it, i dont need to see it. I've seen "Wicked" and "the Blue Man Group" would remind me of my brother and make me homesick.

i dont like the fact that we dont have a show tonight. theres nothing for me to do when we dont have a show. i cant drink with my anxiety medicine, and i doubt i would want to anyway. i hate smoke and loud music, and staying up late. so i'll probably spend the evening reading in my hotel room. Not totally pathetic, but on the verge.

My mother always told me that if it can be fixed with money, its not a real problem. i keep thinking about that phrase concerning my current state. the people that i talk to about going home early tell me that i'll be wasting money. Enveryone, that is, except those at home. my mother didnt mention the money, neither did my best friend. i think this tells me more about their love than i realize. to them my well-being is worth "wasting" the money ive spent on the trip. the non-refundable tickets and hotel deposit are not what they remind me about. they tell me that they love me and that they want me to have a good time. "If youre not enjoying yourself, then what's the point?" this has been precisely my question. i took the class solely for fun. i dont need the credits at all. so if the investment is not acting as it should, doesnt the smart investor cut it loose?

i also keep thinking about a horoscope that Bitsy read to me. It said that i should spread my wings. At first i thought that meant i should stay here, because wing spreading implies adventure. But the more i think about it, birds spread their wings to take flight, to leave. I dont usually give horoscopes much weight, being from the school of thought that considers them nonsense, but since this one reaffirms my feelings i pay it more heed.

who knows what the out come will be. maybe ill go home early, maybe i wont.

there is a man in a bow tie and monocle sitting near me now. could he be any more brittish???


LATER:
I spent the rest of the day with Mileva and felt great. she reminds me of friends and home and makes me laugh and frolick. we're clinging to each other more here than at home because neither of us have any other close friends on our trips. I'm sad that shes leaving for wroxton tonight. I'll miss hanging out with her because she is such a calming influence on me. While we were together today i almost completely forgot my anxiety and just had fun. I wish i was able to do that without her, but fear i cant.

England Day 4

Mileva and i met up this morning a d went to portabello road market. this has special meaning for me because when i was a kid i watched the movie "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" dozens of times. in that movie there is a whole sond and dance about Portabello Road. I bought trinkets for my fatherm my friend, and my brother's girlfriend. the man i bought my dad's present from was scottish and fun to chat with, especially when i said my last name was italian and he tried to peak with me in italian. he was completely un-understandable speaking italian with a thick scottish brogue.

Later:
I've tried to keep myself busy today and sometimes my mind moves to other things but i can always feel the fear and anxiety under the surface, like a monster, waiting for me to let my guard down to it can attack me heart and soul. To distract myself during the scariest of the plays i busy myself with number games and old lullabyes in my head. At those times when my poor brain is left to itself it turns treacherous, blinding me with panic.

England Day 3

Today was a better day. i only had one major panic attack. we started the day with a trip to the main sights in London, and quie a hike between them. James and i had lunch/ breakfast at a cute little place. while sitting there i had my panic attack. It was a bad one, complete with the shakes that almost made me vomit. James noticed and we made our way onto the tube which distracts me wonderfully. we went to Baker Street to see the Sherlock Holmes museum. i bought my mother a plate at the shop. After that i was feeling tired so we came back and i read for a while and took a nap.

LATER:
I'm feeling bad again. WE're waiting for the show to start. hopefully the show will distract me from my anxiety. i've tried to explain how im feeling to the rest of the group. mainly i'm terrified. of nothin in particular. that is the frustrating thing. My logical brain is telling me that im fine, that im safe, but the fear lobe in my brain is telling me that im in mortal danger. most of the time im on the verge of tears. mileva and i are going out to Trader Vic's tonight to get Pina Coladas. the only reason that im looking foreward to that is to tell my dad that i did it.


Even Later:
i just got back from the bar with mileva and i feel like myself again. we went to the bar from Warren Zevon's song "Warewolves of London", Trader Vic's. Its one of my dad's favorite songs so ive known it since i was a kid. the line from the song is "I saw a Warewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's and his hair was perfect". Well my hair is never perfect, far from it, but i had a great time apart from a seemingly homeless drug dealer all in leather that sat down next to us and wouldnt leave us alone. otherwise it was a perfect evening.

England Day 2

Today was a bit of an adventure day. We went to the Tower of London and somehow i got separated from my group. i attempted to find them, getting stressed the whole time. i finally decided to head back to the hotel at a leisurely pace. good thing i decided to be leisurely, there was a fire on the line that i was riding on. this resulted in delays. severe delays. at one point i was sitting on a train for 1/2 hour not moving. some people were getting upset, but i decided to laugh it off, as did the ladies opposite me. we were all sitting there giggling. i felt the calmest i have felt since leaving when i was figuring out the tube lines and which lines to use and which to use to avoid the delays.

LATER:
After the show i went back to the hotel and called my parents. hearing thier voices made me burst into tears. i heard a knock on the door and it was my friend mileva who i had run into earlier in the day. she calmed me down enough for me to get to sleep.

England Day 1

Our first day in London was up and down. Down because everyone was so tired and feeling unwell from the plane that the overall feeling was "I want to go home" from almost all the girls. Bitsy miraculously stayed awake for most of the day, only taking a 2 hour nap from 3 to 5. people are planning on going out to drink tonight. Bitsy wants me to come, but i think i want to stay at the hotel, grab a shower and catch up on sleep. i've never been a real partier at the best of times, always more content to stay in with a book than go out on the town. i hope my hermit habits dont bring the others down, or bring them down on me. i'm excited to start seeing shows and writing reviews because that might give me an excuse that will be acceptable to the others for not going out.

England Blog

(NOTE: this and the blogs following it were recorded in a journal while overseas)

We're at the airport. The girls seem friendly enough, though i've only had conversations with a few of them. They are all currently on the phone. I left my American cell phone at home because it will be useless in England and when i get back to the states one of my parents will be there to meet me. I'm worried that i'll get motion sick on the plane but i brought drammamine with me. We're in row 40 so i'm thinking we'll be in the very back of the plane. As long as we're not in the very last row i'll be fine. i hate not being able to recline my seat plus the bathroom is usually at the back.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

well im leaving for home tomorrow and leaving the country the next day. im feeling good. i even had a dream last night about being excited to go, maybe thats a sign.

i spent most of the day packing and watching movies. i think ive done a fairly good job packing. i have only a few more articles of clothing ear marked for the suitcase, but they are waiting to be washed before making the trip into the suitcase.

i gave myself a haircut the other day. just a few inches to get rid of the dead ends, but no one has noticed. this bothers me because i feel like its a drastic change. i just asked my roommate if she noticed anything about my hair and she said, "Um... its curly...?" pathetic.

so as i said i will be leaving tomorrow and will therefore be incommunicado for the next two weeks, but since i have to keep a journal for the class, i will blog once im back about my experiences and even my feelings at the time. pretty cool. like real time blogging which in my day was called a diary.

anxious

so as i posted earlier i was having anxieties about going to london. that has been coming and going and so today i went to see my therapist who gave me some great tips for overcoming panic attacks and also a prescription for xanax. i think this will be better because i have a list of things to do if i get stressed and panicked. i like lists. i like having a game plan. and so now with a list of 10 things to do before i resort to popping a pill.

today was spent pretty tamely, i went to class and then lunch and then therapy and then dinner. after dinner my wife Emily kidnapped me and took me to her various houses to pick things up or get things fixed.

i have been watching arrested development since we got back on campus, though i should be working on my presentation on "Taming of the Shrew". i have to do ten minutes on it. it shouldnt be that bad because i love that play and that playwright. however, it is due on friday and i have yet to begin. hopefully after class tomorrow i will be able to get my rear in gear and get on with the research involved with the presentation.

i am annoyed that the light in my room is still out. we put in a work order the other day and it usually doesnt take them this long to respond to a call. its depressingly dark in my room, which might be affecting me because ive been doing nothing but watching tv. maybe with more light i would be more motivated to do my presentation.

mills is leaving tomorrow, and lauren is going home for the weekend. Emily is trying to go to Radford this weekend, and im not sure who im going to hang out with. though i think Bitsy will be on campus, so maybe we can have a practice hang out before we go to london.

which brings us back to the original topic: london.

mad

im mad at blogger because it wont let me upload a london picture for my previous post. i have tried multiple times, and each time it says it does it, but then no picture appears. GRR.

in other news. my eye has been quite itchy for the past few days. i hope its not pink eye. i tend to believe that whatever is wrong with me is indicative of a horrible life threatening disease. does that make me a huypochondriac?

London

im feeling a lot better about my upcoming trip to london, in fact i think im beginning to get excited about it.

ive been having feelings of anxiety about the trip, worries concerning the last time i went to england. let me explain that last time i went i decided that i was going to go no matter who i knew on the trip. big mistake. i am the kind of person who needs constant reassurances that people around me like me. maybe that makes me shallow, and if it does well then so be it, but last time i went to england (last j-term) i went with people i barely knew. for me that made the trip bad. i didnt have a commrade to play with. i need people, and i didnt have them. plus i was far away from home. not a great combination.

this year i tricked my friend Bitsy into coming with me, and im feeling much better. Bitsy and i have the same feelings regarding needing friends around, in fact, she told me that the last time she was in Europe she had a similar experience for the exact same reasons. so. i was also nervous that Bitsy would want to pub-hop a lot, something that i am not entirely into. i still think she wants to, but maybe she'll get me to go. i need to be pulled out of my comfort zone a little bit and experience new things. i tend to turn into a bit of a hobbit when left to my own devices, hating adventures and always wanting to stay at home. so this will be good. plus, im really hoping to take her to Trader Vic's to get a Pina Colada. we HAVE to do this. last time i tried, but the only time i could get free to go Trader Vic's was closed. BOO. so, this time around we're gonna make it happen!

i googled our hotel, and it looks like the standard Comfort Inn, no surprises, which is good. last time in London we stayed in a hotel that had no electronic keys, and a communal bathroom. ouch. they made up for it with good breakfast, but since i dont really eat breakfast, i think the Comfort Inn will suit me just fine.

so all in all im feeling good. getting excited and anxious to get back to school on monday to start planning and ironing out the details for this amazing trip.

forgiveness (is more than saying sorry)

i have decided to forgive those who have stolen my office. not because im a better person, but because they gave me food. it was leftovers from their own lunch, but it was food nevertheless, and so i have decided to let it go. i also chatted with the woman who had her base in my office and she was quite nice, and so, once again ive decided to forgive.

maybe its the new year working its wiles on me to make me a more forgiving, better person. or maybe it was the brownies...

homeless

some of you loyal readers (HA) may notice that i did not post at all yesterday, hardly compliant with my promise to keep this blog updated. i would like to say that this was NOT MY FAULT! i post from work, instead of working. sounds good right?? WRONG. yesterday i had NO access to a computer, and today the only reason i have access is that i have hijacked my mother's. the reason is i am homeless.

there is a a group at the office from a different office having a meeting. (why they didnt all stay where they came from to have the meeting in the first place dont ask me.) anyway, they needed my temporary office to work out of when they werent in the conference room for their meeting. and so i was shunted to a tiny closet-like room without windows or (more importantly) a computer.

and the situation is the same today. i am now in my mother's office pretending not to notice that she is having a meeting over my head and that i am actually invisible. im tapping into those childhood imagination lobes (you cant see me nyah-nyah).

i have nothing really to say other than my complaints about being homeless and invisible. at least no one will notice that im homeless if im invisible right?

shoulda-woulda-coulda

well its january, which means that im internet shopping looking at things i wish i had gotten for people for christmas. this year ive found some doosies. as well as things i wish i had gotten myself.

1. Sonic Screwdriver: would have been cool for dad. though the blurb does say that the only thing it does (other than screw *insert dirty laughter here*) is to emit a beam of bluish light. hardly the device it's pretending to be.
2. Arrested Development DVD: for me. i love this show. it is sooo funny that i would giggle to myself long after i had finished watching it. the bit that got me going most often was the family's lawyer. Bob Loblaw. say that out loud. its amazing. to make matters worse (or better) he started a blog dealing with the law. thats right. Bob Loblaw's Law Blog. AMAZING
3. Perhaps the most beautiful shoes ever: nuff said
4. A Sewing Machine: for my mother. she has lost her big one (dont ask me how) and there are multiple projects sitting around waiting for her to find it. i think $20 towards that cause would have been more than fair.
5. Ridiculously Out of Budget: i have heart palpatations everytime i look at it. good thing theres no way i could afford it. unless i sold my brother....or perhaps my first born.

free hugs

when i first saw this video on YouTube, i think i teared up a bit. i dont know why, but i do think that it does the soul good to see something like this. call me a sap, a watering pot, what you will, but i do think that in this increasingly homogeneous world where touching is a taboo, and even coming too close to someone in a hallway is uncomfortable, this sort of thing is good. and the best part is that it has started a world-wide phenomena. people from countries all over the world are making their own impact with their hugs as well. i even joined the mailing list, which i only rarely do, so you know that this impacted me. i also watched the brazil vid, the korea vid, new york, and canada. its pretty cool what people will do for others, especially when its free.

possibly the best wedding cake ever!?!

i think my love for this wedding cake marks me as a complete nerd. or simply a fanatacal devotee of terry pratchett and his books. or perhaps both. as a bibliophile ive made peace with the fact that i will always be devouring books. and as a foody ive made peace with my love for all things edible. i think this gorgeous thing combines two of my great loves, now if only there were a way to sleep on it or watch tv with it, all of my lifes passions would be complete. siiigh, technology has yet to match the idea.

a woman of substance: the essay that started it all

When I first heard about the pencil test I wasn’t at all tempted to try it. There really was no point; I knew what the outcome would be, so why bother? Every adolescent girl somehow knows about the pencil test, it is inherent. My friends conducted the test in the girl’s bathroom at Henry David Thoreau Middle School. Tabitha went first. The test is simple enough; try to hold a pencil horizontally under a naked breast. If the pencil stayed without assistance, the testee was officially a woman. Tabitha failed; as did Jenny. I did not take the test that time, and truth be told, no one wanted me to, it was clear that I would succeed where they had failed.
At the age of 21 a friend reminded me about the pencil test, and since my womanhood was no longer in question, we took the test just for fun. I passed with a pencil and started to look around for other testing items. By the end of the rather ridiculous afternoon I had passed, one at a time; a full can of Diet Coke, a student planner, a sneaker, a set of “Gilmore Girls” DVDs, and the 989 page Dickens novel “Bleak House”. It was a fun afternoon, a great moment for me and my breasts, working together towards a common goal. We don’t always get along so well.
I have been thinking ill of them since two weekends ago when my friends and I went outlet shopping. In any lingerie store there are two basic varieties of bras. The first is an accessory. The accessory bras have lace, they have patterns, they are pretty. There is really no function to them at all; their only niche in life is to be cute, like nail polish or a barrette. The second species of bra is the functional bra. These bras know that they have a job to do. They are not pretty. They come in white, black and beige. These industrial strength bras have a solemnity to them, an awareness of what will be expected of them and they seem to be constructed of chicken wire and upholstery. These are the Rambos of bras. These are the bras that I own.
My friends and I found a lingerie store that was having a sale, so I picked out three “come to grandma” lookers and went up to the register. The attendant looked at the bras I had handed her, then looked at me. “Honey, these ain’t gonna fit you” I shrugged and said that the 40 DDs were what I could find among her selection. “Hang on.” The woman emerged from behind her counter and whipped a measuring tape from around her neck. Then, without my permission, she proceeded to measure my breasts. “Honey, you need a 40 I.” I was stunned. I. IIIIIII. I could not believe it. “Ok, thanks” I stammered and left the store. There is nothing in the world that can make a woman feel worse about her body than the knowledge that part of you is so big that you no longer fit into standard sizes. The part that really irritated me however was that I fit a DD not too long ago; which means only one thing, that at the age of 21, officially a woman, I am still under construction.
Puberty is such a strange thing to happen to people. Until then you have been growing up, but in a nice predictable way. And then wham, your body turns into your worst nightmare, its not what you remember, it barely has anything to do with you anymore. It’s like meeting your roommate at summer camp for the first time; And, this will be your body, you two will have so much fun together! And mostly it’s ok, because everyone else you know is going through basically the same thing, you can commiserate and strategize. Unless you are doomed to large breasts, then you are a threat to all girls. Adolescents somehow know that breasts are men magnets, and though no one at that age would be putting theirs to use for quite some time, it is nevertheless recognized that breasts are important. They are your trump card but hardly a secret.
Meanwhile, they’re still there, attached to you, as you go about your mundane life. Exercise affects them like a bowling ball affects a water bed. Sports bras are an oxymoron: Above a cup size B, they are all marked for “low-impact” exercise, as if, for a woman above a size B there were any such thing. Breasts move if they want to. The reason that you don’t see runners above a cup size B is that they would end up with black eyes and bruised knees. Mine tend to knock things over, or type without my knowledge. If I am leaning over my computer, they will, unbidden add text to my papers, or worse, delete text. Friends of mine have started to use these bags of fat as a measurement. “How big was the TV? Oh about two and a half Ariel Boobs.” Breasts in general are heavy, largely parasitic lumps whose usefulness is restricted to those few months crucial to the survival of the species. Otherwise, their main activity is to florp. And of course to sell things, and to be the punch line in thousands of B-comedy jokes. The fact that they make us buy things and we love to laugh at them means that something about them makes us uncomfortable. Why are we so driven to watch them? Think of the trouble Marilyn Monroe went to to convince the public that she was harmless. It’s OK honey, I’m in no more control of this than you are. But, in fact, we are. Women do have a measure of control; flatter or hide them, let them free or fence them in. Since they are the only way that western women are encouraged to be big, they can be avenues towards liberation and self-love.
But I had better be done, that’s all I’m saying. If I wake up tomorrow and face yet another letter of the alphabet, there will be hell to pay. My wrath will probably fall on my 7th grade health teacher who led me to believe that puberty eventually ends.
So, what effect have my 40 Is had on my life? Well, their greatest impact was that they shaped me just as they shaped my tee shirts. Adolescence requires rebellion, and my fight was against the Hooters waitress cliché I was apparently destined to become. I was determined that what was above my shoulders would carry more figural weight that what was below. They dictated that to balance my lack of physical subtlety I would build an intelligence barrier to prove unequivocably that I am not soft, not bouncy, and not stupid.
So go ahead, take a good long look at them, ponder about plastic surgery, and assume that my breasts have somehow influenced my IQ. But be aware that I could probably smother you and make it look like an accident.

resolution

this year i resolve to...

im having trouble filling in that sentence. ive never really been one for resolutions, and so its hard for me to make one. i figure anything i want to do badly enough i'll do. so why make a "resolution" about it at the beginning of a year? mostly things that i really want happen for me, and if they dont then i trick myself into believing that i never really wanted it in the first place.

my new years was brought in with my best friends and alcohol. and dvds. and then, afterwards, puzzles and advil. mostly it was a good new years eve. we ate far too much chinese food, watched art films and my new favorite television show "arrested development". and drank. and attempted to write out our "life lists". my life list was pathetic. i simply couldnt think of anything. it was sad really. there was nothing that i wanted to accomplish, at least nothing i could think of at the moment. ive been meaning to make my life list for a while, and so going through my mundane life, i'll think of things that should be on the list, but my poor little brain can never remember them long enough to make a comprehensive list. and so my life list ended up with three things on it.

1. face a fear
2. make the world a better place
3. learn another language

so there they are. my goals. nothing that cant be done. though i doubt they'll get done this year. which makes me wonder. do these count as new year's resolutions if i have no plans to carry them out this year? also, am i setting my sights a bit high? ive never been good with languages, im a total coward and i have no idea how i would go about making the world a better place with no economic support. its not like im bonno or anything. quandry: for someone as lazy as myself, why on earth would i give myself goals that will more than likely never get accomplished?

moving on. i am delighted that this year is 007. however, its seems to have started with less than a bang. almost everyone ive talked to has said that their new year was only "OK". no one has seemed overly cheerful about the beginning of yet another trip around the sun. what's wrong with 007? well for me 007 is going to be a year of endings. the end of my childhood with the end of my formal education. graduation will be the end of an era, ushering in the age of adulthood. a time marked not by recess and snack-time, but meetings and rush hour. hardly something to look foreward too. 007 will also be the year that i say "see ya" to those friends from macon that will be graduating in 008. my wife included.

so, the new year, while only a few days old holds promise, yes, but also dread. lets hope that by this time next year there will be more certainty, though, knowing me, i doubt it.

why?

my breasts get a lot of attention. they're huge, so i guess the attention they recieve really isnt thier fault, but really, if they didnt want the attention the least they could do would be to shrink just a bit. anyway, they are big. so big that they have not only been named (leopold and loeb, hence the title), but they now go on adventures without me.

when sharing this information with my family over christmas my crazy aunt (also my namesake. coincidence? i think not) said that she would like hourly updates on my boobs. and thus a blog was born.

plus i get really bored at work pretending to work and i figure if im typing then people assume im doing something important as opposed to what im really doing, posting about my breasts on the internet. i hate to dissapoint those of you who i dont know and want to see pictures of my boobs, but there will be none. or, if there are any, they will be few and far between and decent. only cleavage shots, no nips, im a LADY.

so there you go, a blog about my boobs, though it will more likely degenerate into my random thoughts while i have nothing better to do. example: as soon as i post this one i plan to write another post regarding my new years celebration, resolutions, dissapointments, etc. hopefully i keep up with this blog, because ive been really bad about blogging on my other two blogs. pretty pathetic of me to have 3 blogs...but... actually, i have no explanation. its just how it is.

let the boob talk begin!