And the Winner is…

Oh this is so unexpected! Well, I just have to thank Extreme Pumpkins for the inspiration, and my father for the tools and for cleaning everything out. My big thanks go out to the fans and to the pumpkin carving tool makers, who took a chance on a kid with a dream. Also I would like to thank mother nature, without whom none of us would be here today. Mainly I would like to thank myself, because without me, this kick ass jack-o-lantern would never have been possible.

Happy Halloween!

What seems to be the problem officer?

Cowardice

David Sedaris wrote a piece long ago about being on a metro train with his sister. She was getting off before him and as she disembarked she called back through the crowded train and platform “Good Luck with that rape charge David!” People immediately stopped and stared and though he tried his best to dissuade them, he eventually had to get off and wait for the following train.

Later in the same essay he is on another train, this time on the Paris Metro with his boyfriend Hugh. Two obnoxious American tourists begin to discuss David’s hygiene in front of him, assuming him to be Parisian and totally oblivious to their conversation. He thinks of all the different ways he could embarrass them, things to say that would make them shrivel with embarrassment into a little ball and die.

I think I was channeling him last night. We were on the metro coming back from hearing Bill Bryson at the Folger, which was awesome by the way, and a woman got on the metro with a protest sign. The wording was such that I couldn’t really tell which side of the abortion issue she was on, but someone else on the train asked her and her complaint was that a bishop in the Catholic Church had not fired an employee (lay person, not ordained) because she had gotten an abortion.

I had to hold my tongue but there were so many things I wanted to yell at her! Like, the bishop can’t do that because it’s against the law! And, why don’t you keep your politics out of my uterus?! She kept referring to the “anti-lifers” and I really wanted to call her a Uteral Nazi. Then she started making racial slurs against “the Mexicans” and how they are all bad Catholics because they get abortions. I really wanted to yell and scream and hit this woman, or at the very least embarrass her beyond belief.

She eventually got off the train, and I wanted to yell after her “Good Luck with that Rape charge!” but I held my tongue. I’m just too much of a coward to start a rumble on the metro.

Still, that woman had it coming!

Mercy Mission

This blog is a mission of mercy. Though it may seem like I am complaining about my life, what is really going on is an outline of why my other friend’s life is great. So here goes.

1. At a family dinner last night I realized that my 11 year old cousin and myself were the only single people in the family. How depressing is that? Everyone else in my family is in a relationship. Granted some of the relationships are new (we’ve been going out for 5 weeks already!), but they still exist. I am officially the spinster cousin!
2. I honestly miss my brother. This is the first time in my life (since I was 4) that I have been at home without him. It was I who went away first, so now that he is gone to school it is just strange. Most days I try not to think about it, but my little brother living in my house was always a constant, and now he doesn’t. Visiting him at school this weekend reminded me that he doesn’t live in our house anymore. And while I didn’t live in our house for 4 years, it is weird that he doesn’t live there anymore. He’s always lived there, and suddenly, he doesn’t.
3. A very good friend of mine is leaving for Africa for 2 years on Wednesday and I probably won’t get to see her before she goes. I miss her and I miss our talks. When we lived together we used to talk for hours about politics and religion. She really is one of the few people in the world that I can disagree with and still respect. She always makes excellent points that truly make me look at my point of views and re-evaluate them. I told her how much I missed those talks and she said that I made her look at her views too, and that I always made really good points. It makes one feel good to hear from someone that you respect and whose opinions you value that you make good points.
4. Sometimes I feel like I’m too timid. Too scared of life. I know that people see me and my personality and think I’m fearless, but in actuality there are lots of things that I shy away from to protect myself. I’m not talking about bungee jumping or anything because that really is to protect myself…from death. I’m talking about not really letting my guard down for people other than for a select few. I never let people see me cry unless they are VERY close to me. If you’re ever wondering how close we are, ask yourself if you’ve ever seen me cry. Only my family has seen me cry. And I include friends in that statement. My friends who have seen me cry are my family. But the point is, maybe I should open up more, let other people in. I guess it stems from deep insecurities. I don’t really believe that people like me, so I don’t give them ammunition (tears) to use against me.
5. I still live with my parents. I’m 22 and I don’t have the strength to live alone and no one I like is looking for a roommate, or has the monetary means to get an apartment.

So there you go friend. You are not the only one who has issues in their life. And you are not the only one who knows that they have brought some of it upon themselves. Sometimes the world just isn’t nice or fair and it seems like everything you do is sucky and sad and no one loves you. But sometimes knowing that you’re not alone makes the burden easier to bear.

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours." -Hector, History Boys

Isn't Life...

I was working myself into quite a funk today until I remembered that it is Tuesday. And on Tuesdays I eat Take-Out and watch movies with my friend Lauren. Tonight is Thai. Isn't it weird how you can be feeling so mauve* and then one little thought pulls you right out of it?!

*Mauve: the feeling you feel when you are feeling nothing and everything at once. You're not green with envy, you're not blue, you're not red with anger. You're Mauve. All and nothing. Plus I hate that color and I hate that feeling

Get me to the church on time!

I am an adult. How did that happen and how can I make it stop?

I can tell that I am an adult because two of my good friends got married, to each other. I went to the wedding and suddenly I was the grown-up friend of the couple that I saw at family weddings when I was a kid. The singleton. This is getting depressing so lets make it happy again and talk about all the awesomeness that was this wedding!

First of all, all friends of the bride were kept busy the week before the wedding with favor making and the like.

Then the day arrived. It was a greek orthodox ceremony, so none of my friends had any idea what was happening, but people looked pretty. I took the flash off during the service, so most of those pictures are super blurry, but heres one that came out pretty good.

Then came the reception. The best part of a wedding is the party, and party we did. Especially when it came time to boogie! We danced the night away (and some of us were sensible and brought flats to dance in!)

As the groomsmen had dropped the ball entirely, we friends of the bride picked up the slack. Their car, the mighty Tracker as we have affectionately named it, was coated with butter, wrapped in alternating layers of saran wrap and toilet paper, and festooned with condoms and lubricant. I must say, Mr. Valentine’s day really stepped up and helped us, even found a stick to help fish out the saran wrap roll from under the car.

This wedding, while joyous, was also quite sad as we all had to bid farewell to a group member. Megan is leaving in only a week for Namibia with the peace corps. While we are all proud of her and she is excited to go, it really hit hard that she will be in Africa for the next two years. There were definitely tears, but we didn’t let the bride see, it was her day after all (you get a day, not a week, a day).

The Bouquet Toss was quite possibly the moment of the night. It was tossed, myself and 3 other women co-caught it, and then we all pushed it off on Megan so she would have to do the Garter thing and the dance. She, of course, had no idea what was going to happen to her, she just thought we were all being nice to her and letting her have the bouquet. Silly rabbit.

We all danced with the brothers of the bride, danced all the calories off and laughed heartily at the cake topper, it was very appropriate to the couple.

Mostly it was a blast, singing at the top of our lungs to “I Will Survive” and dancing and laughing and crying. It was An American Wedding.

WTF MATE!?

Today at work was looking like a pretty slow, relaxing day. Until all hell broke loose upon my head.

Every Now and Then books are published as a hardcover first and then later are printed as a paperback. This is known as a delayed paperback. They then give these projects to the editorial assistants to get ready and put to press. I have 3. That is what I have been working on since lunch. And they are not easy. I feel like everything I do is wrong and I have been asking my friend Tricia to explain it to me. And I feel like an idiot because she keeps having to repeat herself (dude, she talks fast and I have a crappy memory). Somehow my mind has put up a block so that I cannot understand all that needs to be done for these paperbacks. There are WAY too many forms and too many things that need to be made a copy and too many emails to send, just too many all around.

And now, as I am working on this paperback the files that I have to copy from adobe are telling me that they cant be copied unless I go through and copy each page as an image and paste each image individually. FOR A 200 PAGE BOOK!! What?! That would take days! Especially since my adobe is super slow. It took me 10 mins to copy paste the table of contents and it was only 2 pages!

On top of that, I am getting like MEGA tired, like I cant keep my eyes open right now. I’m typing blind! With very few typos miraculously.

I will do a super post tomorrow about the wedding, and include some pictures. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have done at least a little bit more on these (insert expletive) paperbacks!

P.S. the author whos paperback I’m working on right now is named Paffenroth, and everytime I read it my mind says Puffenstuff. Which used to make me smile, now it doesn’t. Stupid Paperbacks!

Friday Means….

Well! Today is Friday, a day to wear jeans and flipflops and pretend to do work. So today, I offer some of my favorite slacker websites. Caution, some of these websites may cause you to burst out laughing, garnering Looks from co-workers. (though I’m fairly certain you can explain away your joviality with a simple “It’s Friday!”

WebComix: come in many varieties. Mainly the artist has put more thought into the joke than into the art, so the mostly have stick figures to do the action. I have several favs. Littleandslow is written by my friend Claire, pretty good most of the time. Xkcd is a nerdier one, lots of puns and jokes about math or the internet. Still hysterical though.

MouseGame: this game is easy or hard depending on the stability of your mouse. You, as the red dot, have to make it through the maze without touching the walls. But don’t take too long!

The Intellegence Test: Hard the first time you play. Gets easier though, especially if you are playing in conjunction with someone else.

Holy Funnel Cake Batman!

I am unsure how I feel about this. It looks simultaneously disgusting and awesome! It really is a good thing that no one has perfected the internet "smellovision" or a way to somehow eat whatever is on your screen. If they had, I would be snorking these up like there was no tomorrow. And, lets face it. If I did eat them, there likely would be no tomorrow, as my arteries would seize from the strain.

Because we, as a nation, aren't fat enough!

A Pillowcase Full of Hose-Water!

I am on a one woman mission to get Halloween recognized as a national holiday - dressing up, free candy, carving up gourds - what's not to love? In my quest, I have to gather evidence of all the ways that Halloween will benefit our lives, and Extreme Pumpkins has helped immensely. Any activity which can be proceeded with the word 'extreme' is surely life-enriching.

This site is dedicated to the sport of pumpkin carving, and not only features a gallery of top 'extreme pumpkins' but goes into phenomenal detail about what you need, how to do it and design strategy. My favorite section is the 'Candy trap' bit, which has sketches of how to hide or make kids work for the sweets. The site owner had an ulterior motive though. In his own words "I also wanted some way to discourage a recent trend in my neighborhood. It seems like 15-20 year olds have decided that they deserve some free candy. I don't agree. I think that they deserve a pillowcase full of hose-water." He's bringing candy back to the kids, peeps. Respec'.

Firefighters are not paid enough

awesome quote: Aligators can jump??

It’s Easy Being Green

I am totally obsessed with green living. I wish I had the resources to be completely green, but…alas. My newest green monster crush is with these websites.

Hippyshopper: First off, this is the site that lists all my green obsessions. I try to check it everyday, but somedays they have a disaster listed and I get too depressed to read on. Most of the time though, they have awesome recycled materials sites and cool ideas to be green or charitable.

Robot Candy: SOOO cool! They have recycled tiles (from old homes in the 50s that were torn down) that they make into switchplates and coasters. I love the idea of having these retro things in my (future) home.

Pure Fiji: A body shop type place, shampoos, body lotions, scrubs, etc. all organic and made fairly on the island of Fiji. The proceeds go (obviously) to pay the workers on the island, helping their local economy. All the products are made from local, sustainable, natural ingredients (no bensafytatol or whatever they want me to put on my body these days), and no products are tested on animals.

Natracare Hygiene: This one is just for the ladies who want to be green. That time of the month comes around and we voluntarily forget that the products we use are not exactly eco-friendly, what with the chemicals, the bleaching, and the non-biodegradable status. And the idea of using cloth and washing is repulsive. Well! Enter Natracare. A line of feminine hygiene products that are biodegradable (including the tampon applicators) naturally made and come in all our favorite shapes and sizes. Even pantiliners!

No Catch: This is a fish company that sells sustainable, organic fish. Their “Fish Finger” (Fish Sticks to us in the States) are bigger and look more appetizing than the Mrs. Paul varieties, AND are better for the environment and you! Unfortunately the company only exists in the UK, but (fish) fingers crossed that they cross the pond soon.

GeoMio: a site dedicated to all things bamboo. For those of you who don’t know, bamboo makes a cloth twice as soft as cotton, a building material twice as strong as teak and can be replaced yearly. Though GioMio has a limited range, a simple google search will lead you to so many more sites about bamboo. I draw your specific attention to GioMio however because of the bamboo towlettes. They come in little disks that expand to washcloth size with only a little water. Once hydrated, they can be used as a replacement for paper towels or wet wipes for up to 3 weeks. When they’re tuckered out, you can toss them with no remorse, or even throw them on the compost heap, they’re biodegradable! And bamboo cloth is naturally antibacterial, so you wont feel bad about wiping your counters with it. But if you really want a cleaning agent…

Method: has come out with a newer, better way to clean. Their Go-Naked non toxic surface cleaner has always been chemical free and environmentally friendly but they’ve added a twist. The cleaner now comes in a completely recycled and recyclable bottle.

These are the Queens of our lives

Poor old Miss England. Not content with having to represent an outdated and unwatched national competition, she's now the victim of a false MySpace profile, which makes her sounds 'thick' and 'tarty'. The profile alleges that she doesn't read, and that she lists Katie Price as a hero.

She was first alerted to the false profile when she Googled herself last night. And I can totally understand that - I do that all the time. When she clicked on, it was immediately evident it wasn't her profile because it was playing 50 cent, something the real Miss England would never do. It also listed her mood as horny, and, it was revealed, she wasn't.

She's going to try to come to terms with these technological misfortunes however, and not let it affect her chances in November's Miss World championship. Go Miss England.

[Update: searching for Georgia Horsley on MySpace takes you to a page informing you that the profile has been removed].

Those Terrorist Bastards!

Now they're using teakettles!

Take that Burma!

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

On The Lighter Side

Incredibly, alcohol may have been involved...

We Gather Together

Happy Thanksgiving eh? Hello and welcome to the Great White North. Today it is Thanksgiving. A day for us to give thanks. Give thanks for what you ask? Perhaps to give thanks that we’re not native Americans whose land was stolen and then were wrapped in small-pox blankets.

Or perhaps to give thanks that this weekend has drawn to a close.

The weekend started off promisingly. I was going down to ol’ Randy-Mac for homecoming. But looking back I had a weird feeling in my stomach. Like “Eli’s Comin”*. Anyway, I went for the game and had an awesome time. We won the football, and then we rocked out with our socks out at the tailgate. Emily’s parents were there tailgating (without em weirdly enough, so had gone to get stuff back from an ex boyfriend who forgot to bring her her stuff). They plyed us with alcohol and when we were sufficiently smashed, sent us on our merry way. It really was fun to see all the people who are still at school, or who came back for the game, like me. I hugged and squealed and was a girl all over the place. And then it went downhill.

*If you cant follow this reference, then maybe you shouldn’t be here! Or maybe you should read my past posts…

I wont go into the details of downhill slalom. Not in this forum anyway. If you want to know, ask me in person. I feel like, to protect people involved, posting it on the internet is not the best idea.

After the horrible I got into my car to go home. I had planned on spending the night but was so tired and exhausted and sick of the whole thing that I really just wanted to go home. I turned on my car and the computer yelled at me. (yes I have a computer in my car, it tells me when my emergency brake is on, or when I need gas). It said “CHNG OIL” and wouldn’t turn back to its normal screen which is mileage and the like. I needed gas so I pulled into a station and after hemming and hawing and gas buying I called the two rednecks at the next pump over. I played up the little girl so I’m dumb card and told them what my computer said and expressed my growing concern that my car would not get me the 100 miles to home. They did a thing in the engine, and told me that I had plenty of oil, it just needed to be changed. In other words, stop freaking out, pansy.

Got home OK but driving the jeep to work, I don’t want to take any risks.

Also the prodigal brother came home this weekend. It is always exhausting to deal with him, and this weekend was no exception. He gave me grief about wanting him to sleep in our house and not “around town” (what does that mean anyway?!? Is he sleeping on a bench outside of the library? In his car? On some roof?). Since it was my job this weekend to make sure he didn’t die, I admit to being a bit insistent about him staying in our house, at least when unconscious.

Mostly I stayed home with the dog yesterday. I took the brother and his awesome girlfriend out to lunch, went on a desperate grocery run, and stayed in. The house is actually quite big when you’re the only one in it. With 4 people sometimes it gets a bit stuffy, we all have pretty big personalities so we fill the space. But alone with the dog was lonely. I watched a few movies (MeanGirls = AWESOME!) and conked out.

I’m glad that my parents are getting back tonight, albeit late tonight. I’m sick of being the grown-up! Feeding everyone and keeping everyone alive is wretched. I want to go back to being the one who has to be kept alive, not the keeper!

Anyway, its thanksgiving, so I guess I’ll be thankful that I bumbled my way through the weekend and everyone’s alive at the other end.

Worker Bees

Can I just say that I was forced by a co-worker to write this entry.

Ok, so this is my post about work and how it is going. Its going really well. I have friends at work already! Though, I tend to make friends quickly, I collected these friends pretty fast. We are all roughly the same age, though one is older and a mommy, which we all love. We keep bugging her to bring in her baby, but she seems to be holding out. I think shes worried that we’ll eat him or something. Other than that theres the Lesbian (capital L because shes awesome!) and the Frog (cuz shes French). So we have, Mommy, Lezi and Froggy.

I find that I do precious little work. Most of my day is spent either surfing the internet or talking to my peeps. (I’m so black! K-Fed better watch out). I know that I get things done however, because they get done. Its like a throwback to my homework and papers in college. All I remember doing is watching the Food Network, yet somehow the 10 page paper was written and printed. My roommates were always calling me a slacker, and now its my co-workers. I personally don’t think slacking is bad as long as the work gets done. Plus, I don’t want to give stuff back as soon as I finish it, then people would give me more! Its really a vicious cycle this work thing.

Back to my first sentence. I got several emails today from the Lezi telling me to update my blog because she wanted something funny to read. I guess my Slacker moniker is rubbing off, I’m so proud. She also wants to go to Target today and take a long lunch. I’m such a proud mama slacker!

In other news, I’m SUPER hungry today! I have so far eaten 3 rice cakes, a bag of chex mix, and a special K bar. And I’m still dizzy. C’MON!

Maybe I’ll go cannibalize my lunch and eat some of it now, for 11sies. Hey, the hobbits do it!

Hit Me Baby!

Ok, I know, its totally cliché, but I can’t help it! I am completely engrossed in the Britney Spears melt-down!

I never really liked Brit, there was nothing there for me. Some of her songs were OK in the bubble-gum pop way, (but really, are songs in that genre EVER OK?) she could dance, not sing. And she was cute. But really I wasn’t enthralled. She was waaay not someone that I wanted to base my life on, not someone for whom I was a superfan.

But now! Oh Brit! I follow every move of her downfall with more and more excitement. She is so crazy that everything she does is so far beyond the normal realm. Its like watching a movie in which the heroine is so crazy that you cant help but watch, it’s a giant train wreck that is lasting for years!!!

Her newest insanity is her new album cover, released recently. I believe it was only a few days ago. Well, as you can see, Brit is not shy about her Jesus complex! She thinks shes god and wants everyone else to think it too. I don’t know how the religious nut bars are going to take this. I mean they have kept pretty quiet on the Britness, mostly because she is white trash and the nutbars demographic is white trash. Better not offend your chief constituency. Yet I cannot imagine that they wouldn’t say something! I mean look at it! Shes white naked Britney jesus!!! WHAT!?!?!?!

The best part of the Britney freak-out is that no one seems to be telling her. She keeps messing up so royally that now she no longer has custody of her children, she has lost sponsorship of marketing campaigns and her appearance on the VMAs was so horrendous that news outlets have been covering it, and yet, she KEEPS MESSING UP!!! Why??? Has no one sat her down and said, ‘listen. You have turned the corner into the crazy land. Stop doing drugs, stop drinking, stop driving on the wrong side of the road with your children in the car. In fact, stop leaving your house for a while. Stay out of the news for a while. Wear underwear. Become a normal member of society, and THEN release a new album. People are sick of you now, give them a chance to miss you.’

I wish someone would say that to miss Brit, but alas. She has left the station, next stop looneyville.

And I really wish I hadn’t looked at the pictures of her little miss