IT LIIIIIVES!!!

Back at work after 2 days of illness. Boy! They tell you that sick time at work is different from sick time at school, but its hard to believe until you are in the horrible hell that is being sick at work. First of all, two days off at a busy time means that when you finally drag your carcass back to the cubicle, there are mountains of work waiting patiently. Not to mention the fact that before I came down with the plague I had a hefty mountain anyway.

I hate having a cold. Not only are you sick, but you're sick with something uninteresting. Anyone can have a cold. No one is going to say, "A cold?! wow!" But even so, a simple cold is never simple for me. This cold came with a cough. "A cough?" you say? well, with my poor excuses for lungs, that means a very real chance of a respiratory infection, and a possibility that things can get really serious, really quickly. So, the doc ordered me to rest and relax and take in the healing powers of television and ingest half a pharmacy of medication. (I exaggerate, but if you can't when you're sick, then when can you eh?).

The funny thing is (not funny ha-ha, more funny thats-weird) is that my cousin half a country away has caught the same thing. Is there some strange cloud hovering over the entire country that is making people sick? or was it just one guy who was sick and just wandered around shaking hands and sneezing on people?

Another funny thing, (this one I think is funny ha-ha) is that all of my friends are now frightened that I will somehow infect them over the internet or phone lines. My wife has caught something, and blames me, but her symptoms are totally different, so she can't really blame me. But of course she does. Another friend has left a note on my facebook wall threatening me with a "smackdown" if she gets sick. odd. but amusing.

So here I sit, 20,000 leagues under the sea, breathing laboriously, trying to mitigate my coughing and using my lotion/hand sanitizer so much that I now smell like an elevator full of old ladies. I hope that I will hit the zone soon and get all of this work done without really having to focus, because (AWESOME!) my dizzies are trying to come back. deep breaths.


UPDATE: It seems my depth perception is trying to go all wahoonie shaped as well. I just turned around in my chair to close a drawer and found my hand a good foot from the actual drawer. Also a few minutes ago I took off my sweater and slammed my hand against my desk completely unintentionally. Awesome.

Tom Cruise

I hate Tom Cruise. Which is why I love this vid. This is Jerry O'Connell doing a spoof of the much talked about Tom Cruise Scientology cult video in which he laughs at apparently nothing and makes absolutely no sense. Awesome!

This is what I like to see!

There is really nothing I can add to the awesomeness of this story, except to pull a Key Quote that is really too awesome to leave out.

Key Quote: "Four minutes seemed like an appropriate amount of time for a former Beatle. Mr. Gelman apparently felt Ringo's musical legacy should take a back seat to additional banter about the size of Kelly Ripa's derriere,"

Happy Friday!!!

Notes from the Underpaid

I got this email from a proofreader today and I had to share it. Keep an eye out for corsets!

(Now I also have to admit as an academic and scholar of sorts myself that I've never understood the need to move Notes as far as possible from the text they're expanding. In the course of 30 some years' research flipping back and forth between text and the back of the book with a highlighter or note-taking pen in hand, managing to lose the page in both places over and over, I have expended quite a lengthy cussing vocabulary on just this issue. Do other people who actually use these books find this a user-friendly feature? Notes in the very back of the book always remind me of Victorian corsets on women: they may have a cosmetic charm--as long as you don't have to be the one trying to work in the thing.)

Flotsam and Jetsam

This blog has many topics, so try to keep up with the group.

1. I bought a new bra! Hooray! Recently, a graduation card was uncovered containing an American Express gift card for $50! So, I decided that I wanted to spend that money on something that I would probably not normally. So I decided to go to the lingerie store in my town and splurge on a bra that fit. I must say that I found the experience to be totally painless. I went in, explained that I needed a fitting and the chicklet was very helpful. I decided beforehand that I would accept what she gave me, not try to dictate to her the kinds of styles that I am used to, and see what she came up with. Mostly I like the shaped bras, no padding, but that weird stuff that makes the bra stand up on its own. She brought me a lacy model. I put it on and loved it. It fit and it was comfy. I had been wearing a 40 DD, now I am wearing a 40FF. As my wife so aptly pointed out, at least its not a 40I.

Along those same lines, as the chicklet was ringing me up she asked for my name. Apparently the store keeps records of your personal purchases so that you can come in and say, “listen I need a new bra, I have no time, I don’t remember what it was that I had”, they can pull it up and off the shelf and hand it to you. Nice. But as I told her my name she says, “I know someone with that last name”. Of course I knew she was talking about my brother, and she says, “Yeah, I knew him in high school. How is he?” I responded with some pat answer. Honestly, I can’t even buy a bra in this town without people circuitously trying to hit on my brother!

2. The weather. I don’t understand people sometimes. I simply don’t. Everyone at my office was thrilled when it was 75 degrees outside and now that it is threatening snow and freezing rain they’re all in the dumps. I don’t get it. I think that there is beauty to be found in all of the seasons. Fall has cool colors and that nice crispness in the air, Spring has new flowers and a mild temperature, Summer seems to be the teacher’s pet, but I generally find it to be a little too hot, though of course, it is quite enjoyable. Winter is awesome as well! There is sometimes snow, snow ball fights and snowmen, the cold air finds its way into crevices and reminds you that you’re alive! I love it when my face is cold and raw, I am never so aware of the tip of my nose! There are cool clothes to wear, coats and mittens and cool scarves and gloves and hats. Were it not for cold weather knitting would be a thing of the past.

My mother and I were talking about going to the beach and I foolishly brought that up to my “fair weather friends” at work. (that is, they are friends to fair weather, not that they are only my friends when things are going well. Just to clarify). They bemoaned the beach in winter, claiming that it has “no point” and that they “cant understand why you would go to the beach in winter”. Listen. The beach is cool year round. It has more to offer than catching rays under an umbrella in summer. More often than not, you get the entire thing to yourself and you can fantasize that you are the only one on the planet. Or at least the only one on the planet who can appreciate things out of the ordinary. You can pretend that you are at the beginning of the world, before buildings and shops popped up like weeds and made everything sad. There are things to be discovered in the out of the ordinary. Walking on a beach in winter may be colder, duh, and you may not get to feel sand in your toes, but there are other senses. You get to hear the waves without someones ipod speakers blaring up. You get to smell the sea air without cigarette smoke blowing up your nose. You can chase sand pipers without running over 4 year olds. A beach is part of nature, and nature has seasons. If you don’t like it, go live in California. But remember that repetition breeds boredom. When all you get is one thing, that’s all you get. I think its pretty blindingly naive to think that if you lived on the beach in California that you would never tire of it. Humans by nature get bored, as Terry Pratchett so apty put it,

“You had to hand it to human beings. They had one of the strangest powers in the universe. No other species anywhere in the world had invented boredom. Perhaps it was boredom, not intelligence, that had propelled them up the evolutionary ladder. That strange ability to look at the universe and think ‘oh, the same as yesterday, how dull. I wonder what happens if I bang this rock on that head?’”

Attention Single Millionaire Types!

Anyone have $3,390 to spend on me?? Anyone? Anyone?

"This animal print tote by the King of shoes Jimmy Choo is highly tipped to be the bag of the season. It already has a celebrity waiting list including the names Sienna, Kylie and Angelina to name but a few. It's perfect for the Spring tribal trend and would make the ideal holiday companion. Sadly, it will set you back a ridiculous £1,695.00." -The Bag Lady

I suck!

I am the worst person in the world!

I was getting really frustrated with someone from another department at work today because we seemed to be miss communicating. As I was bitching about this girl to a friend of mine I said, "I'm going to smack this chick in the face!" and turned to leave, only to see said "chick" standing at my cube, within earshot. The worst part is that she was one of those people who looks like a little wounded woodland creature. Easily frightened and scared of almost anything. Come to think of it, maybe she only looked like that because I had inadvertently threatened her with physical violence.

The thing is that I'm actually really nice normally. Especially to woodland creature types. Man! I suck!

I got an electric shock from my Harry Potter Book

Or so I thought. In the cold light of day, its actually a papercut. Which is still mysterious because I zapped myself on the flat of the page...

Happy Friday!!!

Brand New Year, Same Old Me

Its that time of year when everyone is throwing away junk food and reaching for carrot sticks. It’s the nippy chilly time of year when people realize that a few carrot sticks will never take the place of a steaming hot bowl of chili. And so dies another resolution.

As for me, I really don’t have any idea about what I want to change about myself in the new year. I got Rosetta Stone software for Christmas, so hopefully this year I can resolve to learn Italian. I’m quite excited about that prospect actually.

Another thing I’ve been toying with is trying to cut back on my red meat intake. Long ago, in another life called college, one of my favorite people in the world went on a rampage against vegetarians. Dear Peyser went on and on about the people who become vegetarians to save the lives of cows. His point, and I do think that it was a valid one, was that there are more cows in the world when more people eat cow. It all comes down to simple supply and demand. If more people demand steaks and burgers, more cows will come into existence. I believe his actual quote was, “If you’re for cows, eat them!” He got himself pretty riled, hardly a record for him, what he didn’t go into is that the same principle holds for vegetarianism. The supply and demand of vegetables is a good thing. The more vegetables there are in the world, the better the place will be. That’s not objective, that is a fact. The more plants there are, the better the air quality, the better the planet. Period. So, If you’re for cows, eat them, but also if you’re for veggies and plants, eat them. Or so Peyser railed. Not really an earth shattering declaration but it has been in my mind more as 2008 opens its eyes and screams at the world.

The thing is, I think I’m not for cows. Cows are wonderful things, they produce milk that I enjoy on my cereal and they are a source of income for thousands of Americans. I do not think that any living thing should be extinct (the plight of the dodo still haunts me), but I’m not for cows. Cows also take up valuable space on the planet, too much rainforest has been cut down for grazing land, too much methane is going into my atmosphere. I don’t know how I can claim to be an environmentalist and still support such an industry.

I’m not saying that I never want a hamburger again, what I am saying is that, sometimes ground turkey works just as well. Sometimes beef isn’t necessary in my life. I truly enjoy Portobello mushrooms, and grilled they make a damn fine burger. Honestly.

Now, some people have scoffed at my little idea, some are sadly under the impression that vegetarians do not eat cheese and eggs. False. VEGANS do not eat cheese and eggs. Vegans don’t eat anything really. Vegans eat nothing that comes from the “enslavement” of animals. I will never give up cheese. Never. Even though it gives me stomach aches and makes me sick, I will eat cheese until I whither away. Cheese is good. So is milk, so are eggs. So is bacon! BUT, sometimes turkey bacon is good. Sometimes you have to say, I can eat fake bacon instead of putting one more nail into the coffin. Some things are bigger than your love of meat.

So that’s me. Lets see what 2008 really comes up with. 2007 was a big year, so heres hoping that 2008 can come up with a few curve balls.